I watched as my world spun on a tilt I had known for several months, off kilter, but today it was slightly different. The tilt changed direction! Grief, an unknown entity of my being, was in full swing waiting on me to be taken down to ultimately my lowest point. My Dad passed three months ago, and frankly I have never missed as much as this. This feeling is the worst place to stand in agony on this tiny planet of ours. No phone calls, no e-mails, no little speeches of uplifting messages, nothing. I totally am beyond what I’ve ever known, I am not okay with this!
I’ve done the self-talk of “lucky are you to have loved so hard and so long”, to the “he could have left long ago, be thankful for all you’ve had”. Nothing seemed to work, and I was on a never-ending story of such, where time stands still while I bask in the awkwardness of a torn heart and soul. I didn’t want to speak, nor did I want to hear from anyone that could quite possibly help at this point, I was in this unspeakable grief where I could bathe myself in the pity of it all. The party was in full swing and I was the guest speaker to my own soul. I was so worn out, even the strongest of “Vitameatavegamin” wouldn’t pull me out! Even my bible-thumping friends couldn’t drag me out!
So as I sat in mourning, telling myself, allowing myself to grieve – after all that is what everyone in my circle of friends told me to do. My speech to myself began to transform into a speech of self-wallow and I was in “it” for the long haul, days and days of self-indulgent grief. It’s not that I liked being there, Lord knows I prayed to be released to the “happy side of life”, it just wasn’t happening. I didn’t think God heard me. Prayers became more and more frequent, begging for a release from this state of longing, longing for my Dad. I prayed on the second month anniversary that today was long enough for anyone to miss, but apparently I still hadn’t gotten the message God was trying to teach, so I kept going. Awake, work, home, sleep, awake, work, home, sleep and on I trekked into my future days.
I went about my usual business trying to stick to my plan of being quiet, trying hard to just be in the moment until this feeling passed. Grief is a funny thing when looked upon from the outside world of strangers. Some offer words of encouragement, some will tell you to “man up, or suck it up”, while others walk the other way not knowing what to say. Not one idea or intricate word of advice was what I wanted to hear, I wanted out of this grief! I wanted to wring out grief like a sponge, totally and undeniably squeezing out all I could from this feeling, until it was gone from my heart. I stayed home indulging in silence, trying to listen, trying desperately to hear God speak. The nights were quiet, still and nothing came within an earshot of me understanding what I was to do. So I stayed in the moment, stayed in the ultimate silence of my life. God was not working on my clock, he had a configuration of time all his own.
It was the coldest of nights, bone chilling, negative wind chill kind of night and I walked into the wind of my future. There I stood, all bundled and wrapped up in myself and I heard the epiphany of my life as time stood still…..”Get up”, “keep going”!
I fell to the earth with grace
and my fallen soul was rejuvenated!
Saved by Him who watched
as I stumbled,
missing my dad,
my heart aching,
and as I walked out
in the coldest air
all icy and such
the words echoed
against the frozen earth,
“get up” “keep going”.
Fear not, for I am with you;
for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous
right hand. Isaiah 41:10AMP
This too shall pass! I hope so! But I know, grief comes in waves. Waves during birthdays. Tsunami’s during holidays, especially Christmas, and on and on it shall rock my world to and fro. I am striving to be “joy struck” with memories from the past, but I know it will take time.
I remain “tender” to myself. Tender as if God has my soul held lovingly in His hands. Tender to know that grief will creep, it will sneak into my life during specific moments and I will rely on my God to get me through. This grief, this huge emotion which is not my favorite, has taught me to miss my Dad, but run the “mind movies” the memories of the past during these times of grief. To dream, to laugh and to remember to “Get Up”, “Keep Going”, until we meet again in Heaven.